Thursday, July 1, 2010

Wait a minute, it's July already?


This blog doesn’t have a lot to do with the film industry (or a story that relates to something I’ve done recently, well maybe) more on a personal note for myself.   I was walking out of my work last night (I work the late shift at my job) and thought holy cow it’s July, where did the last six months go?  Hell the last year?  I thought about this as I was walking to my car that I feel like I’ve only really been paying attention to my life since April which makes sense because that is when I got rid of some bad energy in my life.  It’s strange how we sometimes latch onto something potentially toxic to us and either a) don’t want to realize it or b) just have no clue how bad that relationship is for you.  Doesn’t matter if your friends or family are throwing down the red flag and calling stop!  It just happens, even if you are thinking to yourself that you’ve never been there, trust me I’m sure you have, we just like to pretend we were not like that.

The thing with reflecting on this is remembering that a little over a year ago I gradated and got my MFA, big accomplishment that suddenly made me feel like I dropped to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and it was flooded so badly that the tides swept me from here to there, got knocked around a little bit by the rocks and swallowed enough water (bullshit) to last me a lifetime.   I can’t say it won’t happen again, life has it’s ups and downs but as a recent film I worked on said – ‘choose your destiny’ and that I am.  I sat on the sidelines far to long for my taste and feel myself getting back into the game.  This could potentially have something to do with my drive for wanting to direct again.  Directing is a beast in itself, it’s like having a child and giving birth and then watching it grow up and either fail in life (festivals) or thrived (winning awards or getting noticed in festivals).  After thesis I felt I had just paid for a giant therapy session of my life, I didn’t take the risks that I normally do because frankly I’m a risk taker.  Yes there are consequences to taking risks but if you succeed you get so much more reward for it… think Michael Douglas in Wall Street only minus the jail time.  Go big or go home. 

With that said I’ve decided it’s time to go big.  I’m writing a feature and learning about raising money, grants, and all that jazz about it.  I’ll blog about it soon but currently elbow deep in research, writing and of course working my normal 9-5 job that actually pays my bills.  I hope that because of the subject matter I can raise money and maybe, maybe finally make my first feature.  This of course terrifies me greatly, I’ve made shorts nothing more.    But at the same time it enthralls me, makes me excited when I get out of bed and my head is bursting with ideas that my friends from all over want to get involved because they believe in me.  I think that is what saved me from the depths of the Grand Canyon of despair and made me start climbing back to the surface, my friends and family who have always given me so much support.  I tuned that radio out for a while and maybe got a little selfish in my thinking but now I’m back (or I’m working on being back, might still have a bit to climb).  Always remember to utilize who is around you, the people you think that might support you and don’t, move on, figure out who they are.  Who is your sounding board?  That has been one of my biggest struggles but I believe I understand that now and will be sounding a lot more off their boards!

Till Another,
Ne in Hollywood

1 comment:

  1. Good luck with the feature, I know you'll kick ass at it. I saw this awesome movie up in Michigan http://www.annabelleandbear.com/

    The director did commercials and never did a feature until this one. If she can do it so can you!

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